Random Musings of a Geek

Geeky words of wisdom and famous rhymes, sayings and lyrics – altered!

Archive for December 2011

The reason for Christmas

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Merry Christmas everybody! An original poem from me:

“Remember this day,” said the three men so wise
“Today is the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Gold, frankincense and myrrh they did bring
To present to the king of kings

And if religion isn’t quite your thing
There are the many carols that one can sing
Feasting and spending time with family
Drinking eggnog ‘round the Christmas tree

Under the mistletoe lovers can kiss
Of past Christmases grandparents reminisce
For the kids there’s Santa and his reindeer
Delivering presents and spreading Christmas cheer

Whatever your reason to have a good time may be
Christmas is a season to be celebratory
The season of Christmas keeps all of us enthralled
A blessed and Merry Christmas to one and all!

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Written by ianinozzie

24/12/2011 at 23:01

Posted in Seasonal

If it weren’t for that damned John McClane

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In tribute of one of the best movies ever set on Christmas Eve (and one of the best movies of all time):

 

If it weren’t for that damned John McClane (to the tune of “Let it snow”)

Oh the Gruber clan is so greedy

And their eyes are shifty and beady

And they’d be sipping champagne

If it weren’t for that damned John McClane!

 

Hans tries to rob Nakatomi

With his German team of cronies

But his plans are all in vain

All because of that damned John McClane!

 

When Hans finally meets McClane

He doesn’t really have much to say

Stopping Hans’ terrorist campaign

John yells out: “Yippee-Ki-Yay!”

 

Simon Gruber wants revenge

His bro’s death he wants to avenge

But the Grubers’ poor record’s maintained

Both were killed by that damned John McClane!

Written by ianinozzie

24/12/2011 at 22:11

I’m a gnome on Christmas

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I’m a gnome on Christmas (to the tune of “I’ll be home for Christmas”)

I’m decorative; colours painted bright

And my face is chubby and round

And while revellers feast on Christmas Eve

I guard the grounds

 

I’m a gnome on Christmas

In your garden bed

I am on the grass in your lawn

And sometimes kept in the shed

Sometimes I will travel

The world in “Amelie”

I’m a gnome on Christmas

Next to the lawn jockey

 

I am ornamental

Just a garden dwarf

I’m a gnome on Christmas

Protecting garden troughs

Insects I do fend off

Written by ianinozzie

24/12/2011 at 21:40

Poo Christmas

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Poo Christmas (to the tune of “Blue Christmas)

I’ll have a poo Christmas without you

I know I’m screwed and Christmas is eschewed

When you said  you were leaving, it hit me like a jolt

You cheated on me so ’twas not even my fault

 

You took away all of the presents

I can’t believe I put up with your nonsense

And I’m really displeased, you stole my house and car keys

So I’ll have a poo, poo poo poo Christmas

 

And what really does sting, the police can’t do a thing

I’m having a poo, poo Christmas

Written by ianinozzie

24/12/2011 at 20:55

Beach Trip

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There’s always one common thing you hear about when listening to Christmas songs: the cold and snow. From chestnuts roasting on an open fire, walking in a winter wonderland and Frosty the snowman, most Christmas songs automatically assume that if you’re celebrating Christmas, it’s going to be in a place where there’s plentiful snow.

In Australia (and other countries in the Southern hemisphere), we celebrate Christmas during the summer. So thoughts of snow and the cold are far from our minds…more often than not, Christmas falls on a day with scorching temperatures! So here’s my version of a song celebrating Christmas in the summer:

 

Beach Trip (to the tune of “Sleigh Ride”)

Just see those sun’s rays shining in a sky so pretty and blue

Come on, it’s lovely weather for a beach trip together with you

Outside the barbie’s sizzling and the drink stand has a long queue

Come on it’s lovely weather for a beach trip together with you

 

Pack your bags, grab your things, come on now let’s scoot, it’s quite a commute

You can change your clothes while we’re en route

Take your towel, bathing suit and lots of sunscreen, then let’s reconvene

Remember to slip, slop, slap before we hit the beach scene

 

The temp’rature is scorching and getting a suntan are we

We have the option of swimming or going out to waterski

Let’s build lots of sandcastles or simply take in the view

Come on, it’s lovely weather for a beach trip together with you

 

There’s an ice cream truck there and that is the perfect way

To cool down on this hot and swelt’ring summer’s day

We’ll be cooling off in the ocean and then running on the sand

We’ll be using often our battery-powered fans! Breeze at hand!

 

There’s a soothing feeling nothing in the world can buy

When you jump into the water when temp’ratures’ high

All the talk about Christmas in the snow just doesn’t exist here

There’s nothing better in summer than to quench your thirst with beer

No nothing better in the heat than to down a frosty beer

 

Let’s search the beach for seashells and watch the sunset at dusk

Writing a message or letter deep into the sand is a must

We’ll join the fun and play a game of beach cricket or two

Come on, it’s lovely weather for a beach trip together with you

Written by ianinozzie

24/12/2011 at 18:31

Twas the night before Christmas

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With it being Christmas Eve today, I thought I’d tweak Clement Clarke Moore’s famous poem “Twas the night before Christmas”.

 

Twas the night before Christmas (with profuse apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Twas a good time to try to get randy with the spouse

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

And flung far away were our underwear

 

The children were nestled all snug in their beds

So naughty thoughts popped into Pop’s and Mom’s heads

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap

We started unwrapping each other like a gift wrap

 

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

The distraction was huge; dirty thoughts were now shattered

Away to the window I flew like a flash

But not before giving mamma a big pash

 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Nothing I could see, so I turned to go

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear

A hobo in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer!

 

With a little old driver, so lively and quick

From his bottle of whiskey he took a long swig

More rapid than eagles his courses they came

The drunk then started yelling out random names!

 

“Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!

I voted Republican, and for Richard Nixon!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Hurry up before I lose my footing and fall!”

 

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly

The old fool was drunk, but boy was he spry

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew

Flying reindeer? I saw with mine own eyes – who knew?

 

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The stomping of paws and this was surely proof

As I drew in my head, and was turning around

The front door swung open and the drunk came in with a bound

 

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot

The stench of whiskey from his clothes was quite acute

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back

As he looked around the house for a snack

 

His eyes – how they twinkled! His dimples – how merry!

But a burglar he looked like and boy, that was scary

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow

He moved around the house like a pro

 

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth

A glint of a knife I saw tucked in its sheath

He had a broad face and a little round belly

He let rip a fart that was really quite smelly

 

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf

He started picking up stuff we had on the shelf

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

This man had noticed me! My heart filled with dread

 

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work

Quickly filling his sack with an evil smirk

And laying his finger aside of his nose

The silent threat towards me, in my tracks I froze

 

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle

The hairs on the back of my neck still bristled

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight

“One down, more places for me to rob tonight!”

 

Epilogue (new stanzas to the poem):

The police came round not long after the break-in

We had to report what was stolen and taken

But when I talked of flying reindeer, they thought I was drunk

And seeing things; my tale they tried to debunk

 

“Flying reindeer? What nonsense,” a policeman said with a sneer

As he gave my half-undressed wife a sly leer

“Have you taken any illicit mind-altering drugs?

You were obviously going to shag on the rug.”

 

“We’ll let you get back to your business with the wife.

Burglaries at this time of the year are rife.”

As they left they helped themselves to some eggnog

“Have a Merry Christmas and lay off the grog!”

Written by ianinozzie

24/12/2011 at 10:19

Posted in Famous verses, Seasonal

‘Tis the season to be jolly

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Ancient Chinese proverb:

Christmas is the season to be jolly, until you check your bank balance after the season has ended.

Written by ianinozzie

23/12/2011 at 06:29